I need help! Well, you knew that already, but I need a different kind of help. No, not that kind, I get that already too. I need ‘talk-me-off-the-ledge’ kind of help.
Stop staring at me.
In two weeks, TWO – the despicable number right after ONE - I have to stand in front of 450 people and speak. About what? I DON’T KNOW. I mean, I know what they expect me to say, and I’ll say it, but then what? Then we’ll have this big, pregnant pause for, like, the next 5 hours, and I will die. DIE, I tell you!
So here’s what I have for a speech so far:
Thank you.
Yep, that’s all I got. Now what?
Here are the certainties for the evening:
I’ll have a bad hair day.
I’ll have a fat day.
My dress will tear.
My hose will run.
I will blush a crimson red color.
My face will melt right off.
I’ll have some strange booger hanging right in my nostril – the kind that goes in and out when I breathe. All of this will be picked up by the local cable station camera man approximately 4 feet in front of me.
I’ll be blinded by the light on that camera and tears will stream down my face.
I’ll develop some sort of bowel issue and have an explosive shit at the podium.
I will get a frog in my throat.
I’ll choke on my spit.
I’ll break a heel and have to walk like one leg is 4 inches shorter than the other.***
I’ll fall.
***I have really awesome black, patent-leather peek-a-boo toed shoes with 4 inch heels. I’m a little happy about those, they’re very cute. Why so high, you ask? Because I’m 5’2” and my husband is a little over 6’3”. In order to avoid looking like The Green Giant and Lil’ Sprout, I must wear Barbie shoes that cut off the blood supply to my toes and make them cry out in pain, so I at least try to get cute ones. Also, heels are very slimming and so, as you probably know, it’s really about my ass. But the shoes are CUTE and that is my downfall. Otherwise, I couldn’t care less what I wear.
What was my point before I was distracted by the shiny shoes? Oh yeah, I need help. Obviously. Anybody out there have a canned speech and some Xanax?
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25 comments:
Sorry, no canned speech for you.
I can, however, guarantee that if none of the above happens, you'll brush your hand innocently across your face and smudge your make-up into an impossible-to-recover mess.
Does that help? I love to help.
Thanks Mo! Feeling better already!
Next week? Do you mean "we" as in you, or "we" as in me? I'll find something to talk about, don't you worry.
As for you, well, if you like you can just read out one of my old posts...
thank you for this. I laughed. I needed that. What is that phrase "picture everyone in the audience wearing their underwear?" Lame advice, I know
Hahaha! Man I wish I could watch the speech , especially if the bowel issue comes true. The explosive diarrhea would make my day!! I'm thinking.. if the local cable station is there, it could quite possibly end up on youtube!! I might be able to actually see it.. WOO-HOO!
(I'm just teasin' ya)
Sorry no advice but I did want to say don't trip going up the stairs (if there are any). It is quite embarrassing!
Jessica - Lame as it may be, I remember that from the Brady Bunch or something, and I'm going to do it.
DG - If I get to youtube, you'll be the first person I send a link.
Leah - No stairs. So... we've got that goin' for us, eh?
I can not do public speaking of any kind at any time. My face heats up to 380 degrees and turns beet red and I swear it pulses in and out like a heart. Plus my neck flashes red spots like a Christmas tree. I am of absolutely no assistance here.
Blueviolet - I'll say! I'm sure there will be a post afterwards, complete with a link to my most embarrassment moments caught on youtube. Sigh of acceptance.
Yikes. Just give the speech in your underwear. Oh, wait. You need to picture the audience in your underwear. I mean their underwear.
What are you going to be doing a speechification about, oh Bloggy One?
Not sure about the high heels, I once had to escort a speaker through a crowd up to the stage and I tripped and just disappeared from view - I recovered quickly, but, just saying!!!
Try not to do death by Powerpoint, oh and do ramble... It works for me - Why not do the F-Word piece - That will wow them, if not they're just fuckwits! Greatest of luck, BN! xxx
I've got two eulogies and a teacher speech.
But I have a NICE bottle of vodka- i'll send it over.
Jason - I like the idea of picturing them in my underwear. That's the best idea yet.
Fhina - The speech is for an award I am receiving in real life. I am Volunteer of the Year for a sexual assault/domestic violence shelter in the community where I live. It feels strange telling that - I usually don't mention it. I can't help but think that if I can be Volunteer of the Year for them, clearly, there aren't enough people helping out around there!
Vodka Mom - The vodka will do nicely. Thanks.
I'm a gospel singer and I had to sing at a big church where the guest speaker was a BEAUTIFUL lady who also happened to be a double amputee. She had two artificial legs and walked with grace to the podium to speak to the large crowd.
Right before my time to sing, I rolled my ankle (fell right off my stilletos-I'm only 5'1 1/2" so I'm always in the highest heels I can find).I was in excrutiating pain, but how could I not go ahead and sing when the speaker was so brave and had a much bigger problem than I, so I LIMPED up there and sang through the pain! The pain does distract from the nerves, though.
My point? Probably NOT a good idea to wear the 4 " heels.
But I'm thrilled to find a fellow shorty!
*Also, I posted the tornado story-just for you! Your turn now to write the post about your many wrecks.
Bloggus - You should be on the rooftops shouting - That is not an easy area of life to work in, so all congratulations to you - I am very proud of you! We want pictures of the award! Pretty please?! x
I'm 5'2 also! Lil Sprouts rule!
I hate giving speeches! Public humilitation of others I'm great at...speeches..mmmm...not so much..
I think you should give a mindless rambling speech on why you don't like to give speeches! The audience will be distracted by your bad hair, torn dress, ripped stockings and boogie to even hear you anyway. And with the crap explosion finale...I think it's in the can for you:)
Good Luck! I'll be there in spirit with you!
Public speaking can be stressful. Hang in there. You'll be great. And then reward yourself with a cocktail.
the heel tip (the little rubber thingy on the bottom of the spike heel) broke off AS I WAS WAITING IN LINE TO CROSS THE STAGE at my college graduation. It was only a 1/8 inch difference in heel height but it was enough to make me limp in a lovely fashion as I accepted my diploma, and then because I got a special award as well i had to walk BACK across the stage to shake the dean's hand. It was so fun!@!!!!
Sherri - I'll get it done soon and I'll link back to you so you know about. Oy! Confessions of wreckless driving?
Fhina - No to the rooftop thing, I quit climbing on rooftops awhile ago. I'll get you a picture of it, whatever it is. I think it's a plaque of some sort.
Dawn - Good point! If I go up there looking like 'Throw Mama from the Train,' it won't matter too much what I actually say, will it? Ha! You're onto something.
Mama Bird - I've been rewarding myself with cocktails for days. Maybe I can actually get a speech written if I stop drinking.
Becca - But, were the shoes cute? 'Cause that's what matters there, you know?
What's the topic?
And don't wear hose! That way they can't run!
If any of those things happen, they make for good segues and people will laugh and have a great time. The trick is not to take yourself too seriously.
I have a sweat issue as in my pants get soaked on my ass if I get too nervous. Once I was teaching at UCLA and my khaki pants were soaking wet(as in big, fat ass rings). So, I started my talk with that! It was awesome and it broke the ice and people knew I was human and all that good stuff. : )
Be yourself. You'll do fine. I'm certain of it!
All I can say is pack an extra pair of hose and look obsessively in the mirror to check your nose.
Also, since nobody has helped much with your speech, I give you this, free of charge. "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen". Since you had a closer already, now you have a matching opener.
Easy on the Xanax! You do not want the speech to turn into a strip show!
Not Xanax--what you need is Propranolol. Seriously, ask your doctor.
Good luck!
If you're like me, you'll look down and see you have two different shoes on. Yea. You think I'm making this f'ing shit up? One time during a piano recital I totally froze - it was quite the humbling experience. On the lighter side let's come up with one canned line you can use for whatever trouble you might get into. I bet we could come up with something. What is the topic of the talk?
I can't wait to hear all about it!
What a great thing you're doing/have done. Can you talk about the lives that've changed as a result of the shelter? And you work? It will be a great speech. I know for sure.
Still, the vodka couldn't hurt.
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