Wanna Go For a Ride?

I swapped demands requests with Sherri earlier this week and I have been ordered asked nicely to discuss my 13 car accidents in exchange for her story about driving into an F4 tornado. Yeah, maybe that's a fair trade on a good day, but let's face it, Sherri didn't CAUSE the F4.

Please note, if you are an auto insurance agent, or you work for a company that foolishly provides me with coverage of any sort, you should read every word of this and commit it to memory do not have my permission to read another word. Get off my blog.

*stomping footsteps* *door slamming*

Are they gone?

Okay, I’ll tell you this quickly and quietly and then I have to kill you but you can’t tell anyone else.

The Honda Civic -
1985 – I was in a head-on collision at the age of 17. That wasn’t my fault; I was in my lane. It just so happens that the oncoming car was also in my lane. Oops!

The Pontiac Sunbird -
1986 – I rear-ended another car. I dropped a cigarette and bent over to get it, so this one was my fault. Another car appeared out of nowhere at the last minute and beat me to the stop sign, so they blamed it all on me.
1987 – I hit a concrete barrier going over a bridge. It was icy and the barrier was tired and suicidal from having to live out in the cold. It literally jumped out in front of me at the very last minute in an attempt to kill itself. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The Chevy Cavalier –
1987 – I hit a parked car on purpose because I was crazy in a foul mood and I didn't like its owner.

The Red Camaro – (a/k/a my very first brand spanking new, off the showroom floor, car)
1988 – I was rear-ended at a stop light by a GEICO insurance man. Now that I think about it, GEICO probably owes me one. I better give that freakin' lizard a call.
1989 – A Jeep pulled out in front of me from the shoulder of the road and I couldn’t stop in time to avoid the accident because I was busily engaged in a game of cat and mouse with the car next to me foolishly thinking it could beat my shiny, red car and I labeled the side of that Jeep. I spun like a top into oncoming traffic and eventually settled in the ditch on the opposite side of the road. I was lucky to still be in the car because, naturally, I hate seat-belts and my car door popped open during all the senseless spinning around in circles.

The Plymouth Laser Turbo RS – (because I still hadn’t learned)
1990 – In a heroic attempt to avoid rear-ending a moron, I sideswiped a fool on the interstate because a car in the lane next to me hit an orange cone and threw it up onto my windshield and I just about shit my pants from the shock of it. Minimal damage to either car; all was well.

The Dodge Caravan – (OH MY GOD, A MINIVAN)
By this time, Girl #1 and Girl #2 had come along and the minivan seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m sorry. I didn’t like it either.
1996 – In yet another heroic attempt to avoid rear-ending a moron, I sideswiped said moron instead because she was crawling over some train tracks one tire at a time impersonating a speed bump . I saw no need for this, so I hit her.

The Explorer –
1999 – I rear-ended someone at a stop sign because I had this really intense itch on the bottom of my foot and I was rubbing it on the brake to try and get it under control. I didn’t realize that my car was moving until I had come into contact with the car in front of me the car in front of me backed into me.

The Toyota Camry -
2003 - I was minding my own business, stopped behind a car making a left-hand turn, and I heard this ear-splitting tire screech. I looked up just in time to meet the driver behind me when she entered my back seat. And I woke up to find myself planted in the back of the car that had been innocently waiting to make that left-hand turn.

The Nissan Quest #1 –
2003 - I was the unfortunately placed middle car in a three car collision. Lucky for me, the 3rd car got blamed for rear-ending me and pushing me into the car in front of me. I actually rear-ended the car in front of me first, causing the car behind me to hit me because it had nowhere else to go.
2004 - Yeah, it was only a couple months later, what's it to you? I was at a stop sign and the car in front of me pulled forward to make a left-hand turn. I gave the van just enough gas to pull up one car length, I.swear.to.God, and I smacked that dummy right in the ass. How was I to know she would change her mind about making the turn? And so what if she was one of my employees, I had insurance. Furthermore, what's up with Nissan making their front-ends out of crepe paper? There's no way my van should have crumpled like that! I didn't hit her that hard. My car looked like a paper lantern again and I got another new hood.

The Nissan Quest #2 -
2008 - Okay, you have me here. All of these other accidents are perfectly understandable and someone else's fault entirely because I can't be blamed for being easily distracted. This one was different; I might have been able to avoid this accident. My daughter woke me up at o'dark thirty to take her to track practice on a Saturday morning and I crawled my pajama-clad ass into the car because I'm mother of the freakin' year to take her to school. I hit the button to raise the garage door and then power-slammed the gas pedal. I didn't know my husband had parked right behind me in the driveway. Why would he set me up like that? I knocked his car 4 feet down the driveway and found out that Toyota makes a crepe paper front end for their cars too. And yes, I did hear the backup sensor beeping on my van, I just didn't know how to process that sound at that hour of the day. I blame the track coach for this one because I never said I was a morning person.

I have to point out one little thing here. At no time during all of this bumper car tomfoolery, was I speeding, text messaging, talking on the phone, eating fast food, or searching for a song on the CD player or radio. NO I WASN'T! Shush, I'll kill you.

But I'm getting better; I only SOMETIMES use my phone to play on the internet while driving and I only get 2 speeding tickets per year now and I try to remember to wear my seatbelt even though I absolutely hate feeling like I'm being restrained in any way, shape, or form. Plus, out of all of these accidents, only 10 of them were really my fault and that was no fair anyway because I'm sure that I can find a way to blame someone else I'm genetically prone to distraction.

The upside to all of this, and the part no one tells you about, is that paramedics are really HAWT and the inside of the ambulance is just as cool as you think it might be. Plus, the body shop that fixes up my cars for me always sends me such a nice Christmas card every year.

So, like I said, you wanna go for a ride?