You might find yourself wondering what I'm doing awake at this ungodly hour, and you wouldn't be alone in that. I, too, am wondering about that. It's around 5am here at Blognut Manor, and there's no good reason for me to be sitting here babbling at my computer, except that someone tried to kill me in my sleep. (Shush! I am NOT blowing this out of proportion.)
If you ask me, there was a blatant attempt on my life and that's the way I'm going to tell this story. Somebody tried to suffocate me. I mean, it isn't like I woke up and Mr. Blognut was holding a pillow over my face or something. He wouldn't do that. Wait! Would he do that? Maybe that's the question I should be asking myself. But he did come up to bed well after I was asleep, and he did close up our bedroom windows, and he did turn off my ceiling fan. WTF? How long has this man been sleeping with me? Even people who don't sleep with me know that I require the ceiling fan to be blowing on me. I don't care if it's minus five degrees; I gotta have it. Anything less is death to me.
Further evidence that he tried to kill me?
We were outside with the neighbors until late last night, or maybe early this morning, and we had a fire going in the outdoor fire pit. (I say outdoor fire pit as though it were common for people to have indoor fire pits 'round these parts.) There was also a fair amount of beer flowing.
What does this mean?
That the air in my bedroom smells like a campfirey, beer farty, post-apocalyptic disaster. Mother of God! Anyone in their right mind would open windows and turn on ceiling fans to combat this condition, not the other way around. Clearly, he is trying to kill me not only by suffocating me, but also by burning the hair out of my nose and melting the skin right off of me.
Just a little while ago I woke up clawing at my covers and gasping for air. In my dizzy oxygen-starved state of mind it was clear to me that Mr. Blognut did this on purpose because I might have told a story last night about the time he
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25 comments:
Hee Hee! Loved this.
I also sleep with a fan.
I can't sleep when I'm hot.
From now on, you need to sleep with one eye opened!
You can't tell those screaming guy stories in public.
when the boyfriend wants to kill me all subtle like, he'll move the stand up fan from my side over to his...that way, the beer that is oozing out of every pore of his drunken ass is aimed straight at me.
i feel you, sister.
Gotta have a fan. And Mr. Blognut is being way too sensitve. The spider was a tarantula, right?
With those olfactory conditions, I wouldn't have gone to bed until both of us had showered. I can't tell you how many nights Joe has come home from a night out with the guys only to be greeted with "shower or sleep in the guest room".
It wasn't that long ago you wrote a moving tribute to the wondefulness (is that a word because my spellcheck votes nay) of one Mr. Blognut. How quickly they turn on us.
Turn that friggin fan on!
Hilarious! To further implement efficiencies (channeling nearby D.C.), I must set up a form letter comment saying:
-- funniest blogger ever!
-- you accomplished the impossible this time -- outdoing even yourownself (say huh????)
-- how do you come up with these things? where do we buy your ebooklet of funnies?
-- and so on and so forth.
I also must have a fan to sleep well. I even carry a little portable in a suitcase for emergencies. My mother would put my sister and me on a pallet to nap in front of a fan, before we had air conditioning. This was in Alabama so it was HOT! But this was the best sleep of my life. So, with a fan today, I can recapture bits of that sleep. Sigh. Thanks for the heart pull.
Sherri - Oh, YES I CAN!
Andy - He sounds charming!! :)
Lisa - It was not only a tarantula, it was big enough to saddle up and ride into town.
Cate - They're so fickle.
Mr. Condescending - You got that right!
Glimmer - Sneaky one today, aren't you? I didn't even see you there.
Let's see - I don't come up with this stuff, it just happens to me! But I'm glad you like it!
If he isn't extra nice to you, you could press charges for attempted murder. You should definintely work this to your advantage.
I love it when straight men scream like girls.
With you on the ceiling fan. Mine is on 24/7. Love your post today.
Whew! I'm glad you escaped to the safety of the blogosphere! We're here for ya!
And as for ceiling fans, I'll have to depart with you on that one! I can't have anything blowing on me when I sleep! ;-)
Hilarious! At least Mr. Blognut was able to slay that spider. I met a spider in South Carolina that almost gnawed my arm off. I was lucky to live to tell about it.
He was clearly trying to get even with you . . . we women are just outclassed when it comes to fart warfare. . .
As usual, we are the same person... the same fan-loving, firepit-(outdoors, natch) sitting, beer-swilling person.
Glad you didn't die. I'd miss you terribly.
well I'd have to say that you totally have grounds not only to press charges but to file a lawsuit. I'm currently filing one - perhaps we could get a group discount.
Obviously, he is trying to kill you. There clearly is no other explanation. You are well within your rights to defend yourself by purchasing shoes and/or clothing.
I will back your complaint. I'm a witness..and credible too, because I read the whole blog post.
Witness?! Hell, that guy needs to understand that if he harms one single hair of Bloggus's mane, or even one nostril hair, that man (no matter how wonderfully he holds her hand!) is history - HISTORY! Without a trace...
(p.s. Bloggus, my OH can pump for England, so if I am gassed in my sleep, my darling, I expect the same by return? 'Kay? Love to you all... xox)
Jason - Mr. Blognut doesn't scream like a girl very often, but it's well worth the wait when it happens.
Lindy - 24/7 here, too.
She - I can't get any air without my fan, plus I like the sound of it.
Marissa - Slaying that spider took several tries. It was awful.
Liz - You're absolutely right!
Diane - I'm not even a little bit surprised by that! I'm glad I didn't die, too. We'll see if Mr. Blognut doesn't try it again.
Michel - I will join you in your lawsuit.
Fhina - Glad you've got my back on this one. I would totally come to England and mess up your OH if you are gassed in your sleep. You have my promise!
Oh, its almost summer and almost time for the Air Conditioner Wars between my husband and me.
He loves it. I hate it. I like an open window, cool night breezes. He likes the white noise of the air conditioner, and the chill of a refrigerator.
If you feel the need, I know someone who knows someone who could take care of Mr. Blognut! LOL
You're trying to kill each OTHER?
Sweet mother of God --- you two are living our lives.
most men think all odors are like a breath of fresh air b/c they are the ones emitting them.
I disagree with Bernthis.
I hate beer farty, post-apocalyptic disaster stinks, but I have the ability to cause them and sleep soundly through them.
My poor wife on the other hand...
Oh that campfirey, post party smell. It permeates my closet some mornings. I love the smell of cedar while it is burning, but the next day? peeee-ewwww.
Oh. My. God.
What the hay with the ceiling fan? Me too.
Weird.
We're weird.
Or just you're weird and I really don't have a ceiling fan thing and I'm trying to make you feel better.
Whatever you choose to believe is fine.
Thanks for the fab promise of sweet revenge, my little treasure! ;) x
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