The Unwelcome Guest

We had company this past weekend. The little bastard showed up, uninvited, unannounced, and unwelcome. I know what you're thinking. It wasn't my mother, but it was almost as bad. LOOK!

A friggin' scorpion, Africa-bug, satanic cult-leading, vengeance-seeking asshole of a spider.

Look at him! He knows I hate spiders! He's mocking me. Do you see it? He's all, "See me over here taking over your kitchen, Blognut?" And I'm all, "Do whatever you gotta do 'cause you don't scare me and I'm not getting down off this counter until your ass is cold in the ground," on the outside. On the inside, I was all "Mother of God, get that effing cockroach eating bastard of a mother-humping asshole Oh my God, do you think he's a scout? furry backed killer OUT of HERE!"

But I couldn't say all of that out loud because the blognutians were there. I mean RIGHT THERE. They were up on the counter, too. Blognutians do not fall far from the Blognut Tree. See? I have proof.


But before you start thinking I can get wise and try to blackmail them with pictures of them huddled on the counter in fear for their very lives, you should know that they are proud of their fear. They own it.

You should also know that the picture up there shows Girl #1's cell phone lying on the counter. So while I was busy documenting their fear, they were busy documenting mine.



That's me. Huddled on the kitchen desk fearing for my life. (Notice I saved my Diet Pepsi, too?) Those are my white knuckles. I might have been screaming. They might have been laughing. But one thing is certain, we were all keeping an eye on that spider until Mr. Blognut slayed the little bastard and saved the day.

And that is how I shall deal with all unwelcome guests from now on.