WTF Wednesday – Is Nothing Sacred?

A friend of mine mentioned to me this morning that she heard Cookie Monster is being replaced by Veggie Monster on Sesame Street. Naturally, I, the furry blue Blognut, went ballistic and got all “WTF?!” on her.

"Noooooooo!” I screamed. “Do not fuck with my Muppets! That shit is not funny!” It’s a good thing we were talking by phone, and that She lives in LA, ‘cause I might otherwise have accidentally killed her for being the bearer of bad news. No offense, She. I totally love you and all, but I take that kind of shit really badly, so you only want to be saying it while I’m wearing a straight-jacket, and you probably should make sure I’ve been up a few hours and had a couple gallons of coffee, too. And even then, you have to distract me with something shiny right away so I’ll forget I was feeling violent for a second there. Just sayin’, you know? It’s all good now. I was never mad at you, just those dumb muppet-fuckers who were trying to make Cookie Monster eat brussel sprouts.

The theory is that if Cookie Monster didn’t eat so many cookies, American children wouldn’t grow up with obesity issues. What kind of shit is this? They expect us to teach kids to exercise and eat right? This is America!

Are you friggin’ kidding me?!

Cookies have been raising American children for centuries. Who was there the first time you scraped your knee and needed a band-aid? Did your mama give you a stinkin’ zucchini, or did she give you a cookie? You’re damn right, she gave you a cookie, ‘cause your whiney ass would’ve started crying harder if she’d given you zuchini. You and that cookie forgot all about that bleed-y knee thing and went back outside to play, didn’t you? Oh yes you did! And a couple of days later, you picked the scab off your knee, made it bleed again, and scored yourself another cookie, didn't you?

And what about when you were a teenager and you got your first nasty pimple? Did your sister tell you to go out and run around the block, and then come back and eat some okra? No she did not! She told you to go pop the shit out of that goozer and come get a cookie. And you felt better, didn’t you?

How ‘bout when your first real boyfriend broke up with you? Did your best friend hand you a cucumber and tell you to get over it? Well, she might have, and that’s beside the point. But she didn’t say that until AFTER she gave you about twelve chocolate chip cookies, some fudge, and a bottle of vodka. And? YOU FELT BETTER!!!

Anyway, after my rant, I went and did some research on this whole thing and, according to Snopes, there is no evil plot to overthrow Cookie Monster and replace him with Veggie Monster. I feel so much better now. But let this be a warning to you, if any of you start plotting against him again, or any of his other Muppet friends, you are going to have to deal with Blognut. And that? Will not go well for you my friends.