Your favorite blognut went on what we shall henceforth call the Blognut Likes Obese Butts plan, or BLOB for short.
The BLOB plan was easy to follow. I’d spot food with my googly round eyes, and I’d stuff it into my cookie-hole. If it didn’t outrun me, it was fair game. If I felt bored, I’d eat. If I felt tired, I’d eat. If I was depressed, I’d eat more. The plan works best if one swings from salty cravings to sweet cravings like a mad pendulum, forcing one’s blood-sugar to bounce like a pogo stick.
And then I saw it. Success! The BLOB plan was working. I no longer had to turn my back to the mirror in order to see my butt. It was fully viewable from the front because it was beginning to seep around the sides of me! Well, hello there, Blognut Butt!
And then it hit me. This was not success. This was some sort of sick addiction and it had to end.
Enter the Blognut Ass Reduction Formula, or BARF for short. I am officially throwing the BLOB plan to the wind and adopting the BARF plan.
What do I eat now?
It’s simple! It’s genius, really. I should write a BARF book and make a BARF DVD for those who can’t read the BARF book, but still want to be rid of the BLOB ways.
If you see a food and it makes you want to BARF, you can eat it. If it only makes you want to BARF a little, you can only have a little. If it doesn’t make you want to BARF at all, you can’t have it.
Brussel sprouts? YES
French fries? NO (And I only just found this out, which makes me SO sad.)
Little Debbie? She’s a bitch now.
Okra? ALL YOU CAN EAT, BABY.
Lump-ass Cottage Cheese that feels like maggots in your mouth? Well, sure. Eat up.
You getting this?
I think skinny people are secretly very angry.
Who Needs Paris?
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26 comments:
I agree. Skinny people are secretly very angry.
I however am not skinny.
I think I'll join your new club.
I have a double chin and a double butt! Can we get BARF sweatshirts? I need XXL
If I eat so many M&Ms and Reese's that I barf, does that work?
How about deep fried okra?
I need to join BARF also but BLOB is so much more fun! Can I still have my wine if I'm BARFing?
You have just cured me of my ability to eat cottage cheese.
I've always wanted a BARF DVD. In high-definition right?
Am definitely joining too; got to lose some extra weight before my HS reunion next May. I'm barfing already!
Skinny people angry? Obviously. All those bony sharp angles jutting out and knocking into things....Who wouldn't be?
Anyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. And strict calorie counters are dreadfully dull.
Me and Cheri - we both want to know the same thing. Please respond ASAP.
I believe that Brussels sprouts and fries go SOOO well together. And let's face it, balance iS GOOD@@
But BLOB is the only thing I've ever excelled at! I can BLOB like nobody else!
BARF I'm not so good at. But I should really practice I guess.
I'm angry either way at this point.
This made me laugh so hard, I almost barfed!
I shall send you a list of non-barfy foods that would be approved on the BARF plan. The list will begin with that orgasm on a stick...
JANIE, I think we should strive for 'almost skinny' so that we can remain happy. Don't you agree?
SHE, BARF sweatshirts would be so hawt!
CHERI, I don't know! Try it and let me know how it goes. I should think that you will want to BARF relatively quickly so you don't absorb the M&Ms and Reese's. That's just a thought.
WANDA, Probably. Okra makes me BARF in any form.
FRAU Rumor has it you can still have your wine, but you have to be careful not to have too much. I have no idea how much is too much. I have the pictures to prove this.
TATTY TIARA You HAD the ability to eat that lump ass shit?
MO But of course!
JANE Let the BARFing begin!
MAUREEN Exactly! They're not even comfortable to hug.
PHD I KNOW!!! You are so right!
SUBURBAN CORRESPONDENT See above.
BRAJA Brussels sprouts DO NOT go with french fries. They only GO with the garbage disposal.
CATE Heh. Angry either way!
DIANE Awesome! I want to know about this orgasm on a stick that you mention. :)
SOunds like the perfect plan! You are too funny!
holy crap! That's one of the best plans I have seen! It's just so simple it just might work!
Skinny people are angry, hungry and rancid whores...sorry that was the extra five pounds talking.
I usually stick to the BARF plan, but then I turn into a sugar craving, insane, grease-is-mandatory lunatic. This enables me to get in touch with my BLOB side. Like Braja said, balance is good!
I knew it was time to cut back when my panties got tight! No matter how much weight I had gained, my panties remained the same size. Now suddenly- with this new found fatness, they are leaving red marks around the tops of my thighs and hips. ridiculous.
"I’d spot food with my googly round eyes, and I’d stuff it into my cookie-hole."
Single Sentence Soup worthy!
As someone who can put on weight by sniffing food, I find that there is nothing more annoying than a skinny person who can eat anything and not gain weight!
MISSY It's genius, isn't it?!
MICHEL I know!!! HOLY CRAP!!!
MRSBLOGALOT I feel ya', honey.
CARRIEANN I can't have balance because I lack self discipline. It is all or nothing.
SHERRI And THIS is why should wear a thong!
JASON Ha! It's all yours!
OTIN Yep. They're skinny, angry, rancid whores. At least I think that is what Mrs. Blogsalot said.
I want some of the deep fried okra! Like right now. Huuuunnngrry!!
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