Mr. Telephone Man

Dear IT/Telephone Guys at Bumblefuck Bank & Trust,

I am writing to request an upgrade to the company voice over IP phone system. By upgrade, I mean that I would like my phone to work. I would like it to NOT sound like I am underwater when I initiate a phone call. I would like for the hold music to sound catchy and snappy, and nothing at all like a funeral dirge or a Gregorian chant.

Also? You know those status notes that we place on our phones when we log in? The ones where we choose from things like: available, in a meeting, do not disturb, etc? Yeah, those. They're kinda like multiple-choice Facebook statuses for work. Can we add some choices? ‘Cause I’d really like to be able to notify people in advance of what they will be getting if they call me.

You see, I’ve been a bit cranky lately. I admit it, I’ve been cranky! See what a big person I can be going all out there and telling it like it is? And since I’m willing to do that, I’d like you to add some statuses to the phone system so no one will be able to say that they weren’t warned, and then there will be no reason for me to have to pretend to be all nice-like. I’m listing a few of my suggestions because I’m helpful like that.

The phone system will say Blognut is…

...On the brink
...Not interested in helping your lazy ass
...Going to drop you straight into voicemail if you call
...Thinking of the perfect spot to hide your body
...Reaching for a sharp object

Could you guys do a girl a favor and get this done today? It will save me a lot of time and effort, really. ‘Cause I’m tired of having to be nice to people, and I’m thinking if they can see the danger they’re in before they call me, then it will be all their fault if they call me anyway and I get sorta snippy with them. See! I'm a genius!!! ALL THEIR OWN FAULTS, AND TOTALLY NOT MINE!!! You want to applaud me right now for finally figuring this out, don't you?

Also? If you’d just do this one little thing for me, because I hardly ever ask you for anything, I will promise with my fingers crossed to stop asking you to change the hold music to “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” by Twisted Sister even though you have to admit it’s a good idea.

You guys rock,
blognut