What Did Blognut Learn This Week?

I have spent the week in hell. I have endured meetings to discuss budgets, conference calls to discuss budgets, board meetings, compliance presentations, and meetings to discuss improving customer service.

Not to state the obvious, but in my simple mind, it would seem we could actually solve all of the world's problems if we stopped having so many meetings and got to work. Oh well, that wasn't my point.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah! I wanted to tell you what I have learned this week. Not about budgets, compliance, or customer service, mind you; that would imply that I actually paid attention to the topics in the meetings I attended. We know better than that, don't we? Instead of absorbing the information, I occupied my attention-deficit disorder by critiquing the speakers. Heh. Why not?! And just to show you what a good friend I am, I have gathered up a few of my notes from the week to share with you because I am always looking out for you. I really should be your best friend.

Ten Simple Rules for Speaking In Meetings

1. If you don’t know the meaning of a word, don’t use it.

2. If you don’t know how to pronounce the word, don’t use it.

3. If you neither know how to pronounce it, nor know the meaning of it, don’t try to give examples to illustrate the meaning of the word. You will look like a fool.

4. Don’t use the word.

5. If someone jumps in to save your silly looking ass by asking a question using the word that you have repeatedly mispronounced, take the hint.

6. It is NEVER appropriate to end a sentence with the word “at” unless you’re giving an example of poor grammar.

Ie. Where do you live at?

Would it not be easier to simply say, “Where do you live?” Think of the time we’d all save!

7. If you’re given three minutes to speak at a board meeting, do not take fifteen. Your topic was not interesting in the first place, and covering it at all was merely a formality. Just take your three minutes and go away.

8. If the attendees in the meeting begin to cry and stampede for the door, you should stop talking and take your seat.

9. When prompted to wrap up your presentation, now ten minutes past its time limit, do not try to stick to your plan of reading power point slides to the group. Smile and WRAP IT UP.

10. Nice suit.