Christmas is Coming and I'm Threatening to Bake

The halls are decked here at Blognut Manor. The tree is up, the lights are lit, and the air is filled with the smell of… chili. You heard me. That’s the smell. And I daresay it smells better around here now than it probably will smell tomorrow. Welcome to Sunday night football in December.

I know what you were hoping. You wanted me to say that I’d been baking oddly shaped cookies with red and green frosting and all manner of sprinkly sparkles. I hear ya’. I’ll get to it in the next week or two. There will be cookies. There will be cranberry bread. There will be fudge. Why? Because that’s what we do. We bake that shit every year, but we never eat it all. Aside from The Boy, we blognuts aren’t big sweet eaters.

We save the prettiest cookies to put on trays when we go to parties, and I take the ugly ones to work. Those people don’t care if they eat ugly, so long as they eat. And let me tell you when The Boy gets to decorating cookies, he uses every single available color, sprinkle, sparkle, and candy on every cookie. We end up with sprinkly, sparkly dinosaur egg-colored cookies. Honest. The cookies he decorates come out taupe because all of the colors blend together, and then he sprinkles them half to death. So I’d just like to say that I’m grateful for my co-workers at Bumblefuck Bank & Trust, because they eat all the ugly cookies.

Me? I eat the cookie dough.

No Good Can Come of a Bored Blognut

You may have figured this out already for yourselves, but I’m here to tell you that blognuts are a dangerous thing when they are bored.

Blognuts start pondering questions too big for their heads. Deep questions like these:

Why isn’t the number eleven pronounced onety-one?

What do bald men put on their driver’s license where it asks hair color?

When something is messed up, we say it is out of whack. When someone is screwy, we say they are a whackjob. What the hell is a whack?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

If Americans can spend 409 billion dollars/year on sports, 134 billion dollars/year on fast food, and 130 million dollars on movies in one weekend, why do we have so much trouble feeding our hungry, educating our young, and providing medical insurance for everyone?

Yeah, I know. That last question is just silly.

What Did Blognut Learn This Week?

I have spent the week in hell. I have endured meetings to discuss budgets, conference calls to discuss budgets, board meetings, compliance presentations, and meetings to discuss improving customer service.

Not to state the obvious, but in my simple mind, it would seem we could actually solve all of the world's problems if we stopped having so many meetings and got to work. Oh well, that wasn't my point.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah! I wanted to tell you what I have learned this week. Not about budgets, compliance, or customer service, mind you; that would imply that I actually paid attention to the topics in the meetings I attended. We know better than that, don't we? Instead of absorbing the information, I occupied my attention-deficit disorder by critiquing the speakers. Heh. Why not?! And just to show you what a good friend I am, I have gathered up a few of my notes from the week to share with you because I am always looking out for you. I really should be your best friend.

Ten Simple Rules for Speaking In Meetings

1. If you don’t know the meaning of a word, don’t use it.

2. If you don’t know how to pronounce the word, don’t use it.

3. If you neither know how to pronounce it, nor know the meaning of it, don’t try to give examples to illustrate the meaning of the word. You will look like a fool.

4. Don’t use the word.

5. If someone jumps in to save your silly looking ass by asking a question using the word that you have repeatedly mispronounced, take the hint.

6. It is NEVER appropriate to end a sentence with the word “at” unless you’re giving an example of poor grammar.

Ie. Where do you live at?

Would it not be easier to simply say, “Where do you live?” Think of the time we’d all save!

7. If you’re given three minutes to speak at a board meeting, do not take fifteen. Your topic was not interesting in the first place, and covering it at all was merely a formality. Just take your three minutes and go away.

8. If the attendees in the meeting begin to cry and stampede for the door, you should stop talking and take your seat.

9. When prompted to wrap up your presentation, now ten minutes past its time limit, do not try to stick to your plan of reading power point slides to the group. Smile and WRAP IT UP.

10. Nice suit.

From BLOB to BARF

Your favorite blognut went on what we shall henceforth call the Blognut Likes Obese Butts plan, or BLOB for short.

The BLOB plan was easy to follow. I’d spot food with my googly round eyes, and I’d stuff it into my cookie-hole. If it didn’t outrun me, it was fair game. If I felt bored, I’d eat. If I felt tired, I’d eat. If I was depressed, I’d eat more. The plan works best if one swings from salty cravings to sweet cravings like a mad pendulum, forcing one’s blood-sugar to bounce like a pogo stick.

And then I saw it. Success! The BLOB plan was working. I no longer had to turn my back to the mirror in order to see my butt. It was fully viewable from the front because it was beginning to seep around the sides of me! Well, hello there, Blognut Butt!

And then it hit me. This was not success. This was some sort of sick addiction and it had to end.

Enter the Blognut Ass Reduction Formula, or BARF for short. I am officially throwing the BLOB plan to the wind and adopting the BARF plan.

What do I eat now?

It’s simple! It’s genius, really. I should write a BARF book and make a BARF DVD for those who can’t read the BARF book, but still want to be rid of the BLOB ways.

If you see a food and it makes you want to BARF, you can eat it. If it only makes you want to BARF a little, you can only have a little. If it doesn’t make you want to BARF at all, you can’t have it.

Brussel sprouts? YES
French fries? NO (And I only just found this out, which makes me SO sad.)
Little Debbie? She’s a bitch now.
Okra? ALL YOU CAN EAT, BABY.
Lump-ass Cottage Cheese that feels like maggots in your mouth? Well, sure. Eat up.

You getting this?

I think skinny people are secretly very angry.

Really?

I know I feel better now.

I'm going to go out on a limb and predict it isn't ending today either, but I could be wrong.

Happy Monday!

Mr. Telephone Man

Dear IT/Telephone Guys at Bumblefuck Bank & Trust,

I am writing to request an upgrade to the company voice over IP phone system. By upgrade, I mean that I would like my phone to work. I would like it to NOT sound like I am underwater when I initiate a phone call. I would like for the hold music to sound catchy and snappy, and nothing at all like a funeral dirge or a Gregorian chant.

Also? You know those status notes that we place on our phones when we log in? The ones where we choose from things like: available, in a meeting, do not disturb, etc? Yeah, those. They're kinda like multiple-choice Facebook statuses for work. Can we add some choices? ‘Cause I’d really like to be able to notify people in advance of what they will be getting if they call me.

You see, I’ve been a bit cranky lately. I admit it, I’ve been cranky! See what a big person I can be going all out there and telling it like it is? And since I’m willing to do that, I’d like you to add some statuses to the phone system so no one will be able to say that they weren’t warned, and then there will be no reason for me to have to pretend to be all nice-like. I’m listing a few of my suggestions because I’m helpful like that.

The phone system will say Blognut is…

...On the brink
...Not interested in helping your lazy ass
...Going to drop you straight into voicemail if you call
...Thinking of the perfect spot to hide your body
...Reaching for a sharp object

Could you guys do a girl a favor and get this done today? It will save me a lot of time and effort, really. ‘Cause I’m tired of having to be nice to people, and I’m thinking if they can see the danger they’re in before they call me, then it will be all their fault if they call me anyway and I get sorta snippy with them. See! I'm a genius!!! ALL THEIR OWN FAULTS, AND TOTALLY NOT MINE!!! You want to applaud me right now for finally figuring this out, don't you?

Also? If you’d just do this one little thing for me, because I hardly ever ask you for anything, I will promise with my fingers crossed to stop asking you to change the hold music to “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” by Twisted Sister even though you have to admit it’s a good idea.

You guys rock,
blognut

WTF Wednesday - What's On TV?

So… as I mentioned earlier this week, I’ve been stuck home during the day. Stuck home is okay with me, except I’m getting fat and I concocted some sort of flour and water paste in my mouth that was reminiscent of a dentist’s mold. Not good. It took me hours to open my mouth, but you’ll be glad to know that I persevered.

Let’s talk about daytime TV. You know I rarely watch TV at all, but I’ve had some extra time on my hands while lying on the couch with a sick little boy. I flipped through the channels and found nothing. Exactly nothing.

It’s not like there weren’t any programs listed in the guide, but other than college soccer, none of them appealed to me. Are there really people out there who go their whole day watching Judge shows? And is this shit for real? Judge Mathis, Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Alex, Judge Karen, and Judge Hatchett?

Am I the only one who wants to make sure that I never have to be tried before a judge named “Hatchett?”

No good can come of that. I’d rather take my chances with those knuckleheads on The View.

So I flipped to the movie channels and found out we don’t subscribe to any. WTF? We have Dish Network and no movie channels? I guess it doesn’t matter though, as it has taken me about two years to even notice that we don’t have them.

Scrolling on through the guide, my googly blue eyes about jumped out of my head when I came to the adult channels. Yeah, we don’t have those either, but I could sure read the titles! Now this is entertaining:

Chica Booty Banger

Black Butts Rising

Disobedient Nymphos

If You Like Me, You’ll Love My Mom
That made me throw up in my mouth a little.

You get the drift here, right? WTF? People watch this? No wonder I never turn on the TV! Apparently I don’t need to though, because with titles like this, the TV is probably already turned on enough without my help.

Blognuts Can Never Work From Home

So… I am home all day today because The Boy? Well… he’s sick. How much do you want to know? Yeah, it's probably that.

And I am learning some things about why I cannot EVER be allowed to work from home on an ongoing basis. I have issues with self-discipline. Were it not for the fact that there is absolutely nothing in my kitchen pantry that appeals to me, I probably would’ve eaten myself into a food coma by 9AM. However, fortunately, the cupboard is bare here at Blognut Manor, but that has not stopped me from checking it every few minutes just to make sure that the grocery elves haven’t snuck in there all sneaky-like and stuffed it full of Little Debbie snacks.

Damn those elves! Why have they forsaken me? I think a trip to the grocery store is going to be necessary soon because people can’t just eat flour and saltine crackers and expect to live a long, healthy life.

Plus, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it, but if you eat flour and saltine crackers, you need to make sure you don’t inhale with all that powder in your mouth because you could choke to death on that shit and that’s going to be one hell of an embarrassing story for your funeral. Just sayin’ that you might want to give that some thought.

Oh, and have a drink handy, too, because OMG… DRY!

Who You Callin' Sugar Doll?

McGillicutty, to whom I am eternally grateful for the happy-time linkage and the thoughtful bloggy award, tagged me the other day and is making forcing requesting that I tell you ten flat-out lies complete fabrications unknown things about me. You know, where ‘unknown’ equals ‘things you don’t already know’ and you can’t really prove anyway.

WHAT? McGillicutty? I haven’t told you people enough already?

I’ve been blogging regularly for, like, a whole year almost, so I can’t think of any interesting tidbits I haven’t already bored you to tears with shared along the way.

I mean, I probably already told you about the time I got really drunk and… oh, wait! Never mind. I didn’t tell you that because HELL NO, I’m not going to tell you that!

And then there was the time that I… oh, shit! I can’t tell you about that because you’d probably go dig up the body I might have to kill you.

SEE how hard this is for me? Do you feel my pain? Okay. I’ll just tell you ten things I probably didn’t mention before, but maybe I did, and you’ll have to get over it.

Let’s see…
1. I ate a toaster strudel for breakfast today but I didn’t use the frosting packet because that makes it too sweet.
2. I have 32 children named George.
3. I am the very picture of organized and attentive when it comes to my job.
6. I am irritated by the numbers four and five.
8. And seven. Seven is over-used.
9. I’m concerned about my over-use of hyphens and the fact that Word doesn’t seem to care. Word will allow you to hyphenate any-thing without complaint.
10. I have the attention span of a flea and listing 10 things is far too big a commitment for me, so I might have cheated a bit.

Okay, then. As you can see, I’ve done my duty here and I’ve told several lies earned my reward.

I get to put this on my sidebar and tag ten more people invite whomever would like to carry on this riveting bit of self-disclosure on their own blog to participate.

No pressure here folks, I am the anti-rule follower. Or does that make me an un-follower? And there's that bloody hyphen problem again, too. Do I? Don't I? WTF?

Five Fourth-Grade Homework Lessons

I realize that the title of this post is somewhat misleading. You were thinking, maybe, that we were going to talk about five things that a fourth-grader might study, right?

Wrong.

We have no actual idea what it is that a fourth-grader actually studies and/or what said fourth-grader is actually supposed to learn.

Oh, no, we do not know. We do, however, have a very deep and painful understanding of what it is we, the parents, actually learn during the fourth-grade homework process.

For example:

1. We have learned that a studying fourth-grader can actually fall right out of his chair. And bounce. Fourth-graders bounce.

2. We have evidence that fourth-graders are much more highly skilled arguers than they are mathematicians.

3. We have seen that all fourth-grade math, in order to be successfully completed, (where ‘successfully completed’ equals ‘filling in the blanks’ as opposed to being answered correctly), MUST be preceded by two hours and forty-five minutes of whining and arguing.

4. We have learned that free-reading time, to a fourth-grader, is measured on a different sort of clock; a clock where one minute of standard time equals ten minutes of fourth-grader reading time. And that said fourth-grader will lie like hell on his reading log, and then ask you to sign it.

5. We know that a fourth-grader, while reading an assigned article about Dr. Samuel Kountz, Jr., a pioneer in organ transplantation, will discover that he cannot actually lick his elbow, but that it is fun to try.

I wonder what fifth grade will teach me.

Real Friends Would Not Try to Make ME Work

Dear Facebook Friends,

You all know I love you, right? I do. And I understand your need to spend oodles of hours on Facebook doing whatever it is you’re doing to avoid responsibility.

I totally get that. I do it, too.

However, I do not understand games like Farmville and Yoville. Please stop inviting me to join those places, or worse yet, to work for you on your farm or in your bakery.

HELLO! Which part of my coming home from my real-life job (that I am almost too lazy to do), only to have to go back out to pretend to work on your pretend farm or in your pretend bakery, did you think would appeal to me? You surely did not think I would pretend to be happy about that! Did you? Really? I didn’t think so.

The only way I’m going to join Farmville is if they add in the ability for me to send locusts to your farm or burn your crops.

The only way I’m going to work in your bakery in Yoville is if they give me the ability to poison your sticky buns.

I AM LAZY. It would be my goal to have you fire me from pretending to work in your pretend ‘villes.

Also? I realize the holidays are near and you’re going to be overcome with the urge to throw snowballs at me, or send me pretend Christmas trees and pretend stockings, and pretend presents. Throw snowballs if you must, but please realize that sending me pretend stockings and pretend presents is cruel. I want real presents and real stockings with real candy inside. Blognuts do not like to be teased.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Love,
blognut

Membership is a Privilege Which Must be Earned

The Boy asked me for my credit card the other day. He wants to join an online game site for kids, called Club Penguin, and put the monthly subscription fee on my credit card. He has taken a vow to annoy the crap out of me until I let him.

He said all of his friends are members.
I said I am not responsible for all of his friends, I am responsible for him.

He said he would like to be responsible for himself, effective immediately.
I asked him if he had found a job yet, and/or a rich wife.

He said he does not have time for a job.
I said I knew this already. And since he can barely make time to do his homework, I don't see how an online game subscription will assist him with his time management issue.

He said he would do his homework every day without having to be reminded.
I laughed. He will SO not do his homework every day without having to be reminded. The child has to be reminded to pee.

He said he would pay me back.
How? I had to ask. Is this child planning to start pushing down old ladies and stealing their social security checks? Or turn to pick-pocketing and stealing tips off of restaurant tables?

He said he would do chores.
When? I asked. This child can’t even pick up his own laundry off the floor and has yet to ever perform any small task without threat of death and dismemberment. (Simmer down. Blognuts are not violent people.)

He said life is not fair.
He’s right, I agreed. Life is most certainly not fair.

He said it’s wrong for parents to deprive their children of the opportunity to play online video games with their friends.
This is a mistake that I can live with, although I admit it will be difficult for me.

He said I am the meanest mama in the whole world.
My work here is done.