I’m not one to complain, but… Wait a second! What was that look for? DO NOT look like that when I say I’m not one to complain. A little judge-y there, aren’t you? Like you NEVER complain?
Ahem.
What I was about to say, real nice-like, is that there was a spider in my shower this morning. A real, live, grizzly spider! In my shower. Where I was naked.
Now I’m not saying I would’ve been any more pleased to see him there if I had been clothed, but I don’t know what I would have been doing wearing clothes in my shower. And frankly, Mr. Blognut was in that shower right before me and I would just like to point out that there is NO WAY he didn’t see a 47ft. grizzly spider in that shower and he left it for me.
I believe this is grounds for divorce. Not that I want one, mind you, but I believe I would be given one that included the words MENTAL and CRUELTY and ABUSIVE HUSBAND if I asked for one because… hello, grizzly spider. I am telling you that thing was furrier than I am and that takes some doin’!
Also? I’m worried. That friggin’ thing was THIS big and he has to have been living in my house for months because it is winter and I’m pretty sure that grizzly spiders would be in hibernation this time of year. And? The only place that damn thing could have been hiding, ‘cause he’s at least 47ft. in diameter, not counting his legs, is my attic.
Did you hear me? MY ATTIC. LOCATED ABOVE MY BED. WHERE I SLEEP. WITH MY EYES CLOSED. I guess that’s the end of sleeping with my eyes closed. I will have to keep my googly eyes open because I will need to watch for cracks in the ceiling to form. You know he has relatives up there and they’re going to come looking for him sooner or later and they are most likely to come right through my bedroom ceiling, drop onto my head, and suffocate me dead.
Furthermore, I am putting you all on notice that I will no longer be taking showers because HELL NO I did not kill the spider. He is stuck in my shower forever, too big to get out and too big to wash down the drain. He told me he likes it there and he is staying. In fact, he pointed at me with one of his furry legs, looked me straight in the eye – me with my two eyes and him with his 713 eyes – and he told me to leave.
He did not have to ask twice.
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9 hours ago
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21 comments:
Yep, that sounds like grounds for divorce to me. ;) Just kidding. I HATE spiders to though. It gives me the creeps just thinking about them!
Kick him to the curb! Hee Hee!
Saw your headline over at Facts Are Optional and had to come over and check it out.
Too funny, although I was cringing the whole time. That's why I have a spider-eating cat! (Because yes, the hubs is worthless at catching spiders in my house, too)
I cannot believe Mr Blognut left you in the shower with a 400ft spider. I mean, how could he? Maybe he ran off to get a representative of the Guiness Boook of Records to record the largest spider EVER found...
Best spider/shower story I've ever read!
Grounds for divorce you bet! They say on average you swallow three spiders a year while sleeping...whoever they are!
I can't believe that he left you to take care of the abdominal spider??!! That is awful and down right scary! I have had the same thing happen. And I took down my shower massage thingy and whooshed him down the drain. Sorry yours was too big for that to happen! Ack!!
You could use baby wipes for your shower replacement! LOL!
Hugs
SueAnn
Which is why there should always be a hand-held shop vac nearby...
Yikes! Hopefully he'll crawl away into a cabinet or something. Then he can surprise you again when you're digging for toilet paper in the same cabinet.
There's no way I would have left him in there to intimidate me! I'd have gotten a very large container, swept him in there and released him close to an unfavorable neighbor. That'll teach them both!
Wow man, not very nice of him to leave that fugly spider in the shower. D: I'd cry and buy 3024903289042 cans of bug/insect/whatever spray and make my brother kill it. :D
But wait - before you file for the big D, remember that once he's gone WHO WILL KILL THE SPIDERS? Maybe he just missed this one? Because it's about the only thing I miss about Ex - killing the spiders.
Sigh.
Shit dude! You could star in that one discovery channel movie, I shouldn't be alive!
Thank god you made it. Please know that you probably should start hiding assets because I think your hubby is likely trying to kill you. I mean, think about it, how did the spider get in the shower anyway?! Someone had to give him a key.
I'll be praying for your safety.
Don't worry, you'll be able to shower tomorrow because grizzly spiders don't stay in one place for very long... you just won't be able to sleep, or close your eyes, or walk anywhere in your house without looking in ten different directions at once.
You should try sharing your house with boa constrictors, alligators and man eating lizards. (Well, maybe only MOUSE eating lizards, but if they wanted to they could nibble on someone's hand...)
Take that man to court! Unless the spider eats him first. I hear things with 713 eyes have very large appetites.
Dude, you need to kill him; he knows where you live! I'm sorry I called you Dude. I've been around my kids too long.
Surely you've been on one of those dates where the guy seems to have eight arms? He wants to see you naked too. It's a life force.
I completely appreciate your position. I remember discovering that my cats do not eat millipedes. I just about dropped every last one of them off at the humane society on the spot. Man are they ever lucky I'm so damn lazy!
I met a spider in the shower once. He asked me to squash him with the shampoo bottle. Unless I misheard.
Oh girlfriend, I am soooo with you on this. I'm also reminded of that hysterical scene in "Annie Hall" when Annie calls Woody to come over and kill the spider in her bath tub and he goes in their with a tennis racket, then runs out saying "It's the size of a Buick!"
But the worst is when they disappear and you know they're lurking, but you don't know where. (Shivers)
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