Sunshine, Flowers, and Puppies... Oh My!

I think I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I’ve decided to try and be more mindful of the kind of energy I’m throwing out into the universe. You know, all positive thoughts and happy words from now on because I don't want to make people sad. However, I’m thinking of re-thinking that plan.

It isn’t that I can’t commit, because I totally CAN commit if you give me the right reason. No, this is really about the fact that I failed to prepare for my mission of mindfulness.

You see, the thing is, if I’m going to stop spewing sarcastic comments into the atmosphere, exhibit patience, and be the very model of positive thinking, I’m going to need to do quite a bit of prep-work and you are all going to need to help me with it, where “help me with it” may actually mean “do it for me.”

Here’s what I need:

I need for people to stop saying really dumb things. SERIOUSLY!! People have to stop saying things that don’t make logical sense. Do you know how many years it takes off of a blognut's life to have to restrain themselves from making scathing comments in response to ridiculous psychobabble. Oy. This has got to stop!

I need for people to get out of my way. Especially slow driving people who take on the role of self-appointed pace cars on the highway. Man, I can't handle that shit right there. Something has to be done about that if I am to succeed.

I need for people to adopt a work ethic that includes not only doing their own work, but maybe also doing a little bit of mine, too. You understand, right?

I need for people to dress appropriately. It isn't that I care what one wears so much as where they wear it. For example, when people come to work at Bumblefuck Bank & Trust, they should not wear the same outfit they'd wear out clubbing on Friday night. Bank customers tend to be distrustful of bankers unless they look a bit uptight. Sorry. It's a fact.

I need for people to stop complaining. I can't be Miss Merry Sunshine Positive Pants if you all are getting to complain. It's really not fair. So stop it, 'k?

Oh, and one more thing, and of course this one is actually pretty snarky so I apologize in advance. If you don't know what toenail clippers are for, please do not wear sandals.

In exchange for your assistance, I will abandon all swear words and sarcasm in favor of pleasant exclamations like my post title up there. Next time I stub my toe or have to fix someone else's mistake, I will not say anything negative at all. I will say, "Oh Golly!," or, "Thank goodness I've been given an opportunity to brush up on my other-people's-work-doing skills!"

Now then, if you could all go out and round up the offenders in your area and make them aware of these few simple rules, I will start working on my new list of swear words that aren't swearish and unpleasant-like at all. Thanks!!