The Easter Bunny Hates Me

I always thought the Easter Bunny was a little on the evil side.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m a little “out there” to be making such an accusatory statement about the Easter Bunny because, after all, he likes everybody. But he doesn’t like me and I think the sooner we all accept that, the better off we’ll be.

If you remember what happened to me last year, you’ll understand that Easter can get me a little stressed out because I tend to wait ‘til the last minute and then freak the hell out at the garbage that is left when I finally go out shopping. It wasn’t as bad this year because I shopped Thursday instead of Saturday, but it was close.

It started with me stressing out because Girl #1 wanted a new Twilight series movie in her Easter basket, something about a new moon and a bite in the neck, along with a whiny teenager who pines after her pasty-faced vampire of a boyfriend who should just hurry and up and bite her if you ask me. Now Girl #1 couldn’t text me the title of the movie she wanted so I’d have a record of it. Oh, no! That would be far too easy. Instead she told me when I was only half-listening and I heard something like, “Yadda, yadda, bite me, with previously deleted vampire scenes, blah, blah, three disc set, it has to come from Target, and if I don’t get it from the Easter Bunny, I will need to borrow $30 or I WILL DIE.”

Girl #2 wanted Harry Potter movies. Note the “s” in movies. She said something like, “I have movies 1, 4, and 6, so any or all of the rest will be fine.” Pffft. Who said anything about getting more than one?

And The Boy? Well, he wanted a pogo stick. Naturally. A pogo stick. YES, I’m quite serious! Where does one find a pogo stick, I ask? Does the Easter Bunny really have access to such things?

So my quest began. On Thursday. Just a few days before Easter and really the only day I had available to do any shopping at all. I went to Target and found out that Harry Potter movies are not actually numbered anywhere and you have to be familiar with the series in order to know which ones are 2, 3, and 5. There was a sea of Harry Potter movies, but I had no idea if they were the right ones or not, so I figured I’d come back to that challenge after I found the movie Girl #1 wanted.

They did NOT have a 3-disc set. Did NOT. They had a 1-disc set and they had a 2-disc set, but not the coveted, life-giving 3-disc set that simply had to be there or all teenage existence would come to a screeching halt, 3-disc set.

Christ on a pogo stick! (But not The Boy’s pogo stick, because Target didn’t have that either.)

So I went to another Target. Things were looking up at the other Target because they had the 3-disc Bite Me! Movie and they had a helpful boy at the camera counter who knew which Harry Potter movies to tell me to buy. They did not have a pogo stick. Not a single pogo stick.

I went to 2 toy stores, 3 sporting goods stores, and dared to cross the threshold at my local “other” store that may or may not be part of the evil empire of big box stores destroying America. No one had a pogo stick.

Apparently the Easter Bunny doesn’t have one either because one did not miraculously appear in The Boy’s Easter basket this morning. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m pretty sure there was bunny poop in my coffee this morning, I’d begin to wonder if the damn bunny was even real.