Wilbur, Is That You?

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a fraud conference with about 2,342 of my closest bank-y friends. At the conference we learned about how all you deadbeats are out there stealing identities to get money and such. (Not YOU deadbeats, the OTHER deadbeats.) (I would never say that about YOU.) (Unless you are stealing money right out from under my nose at Bumblefuck Bank & Trust, leaving me to look like a dumbass.) (Then I TOTALLY mean you.)

So, anyway, I arrived to this particular session a few minutes late, because that’s what I do, and spotted a seat near the back next to my buddy J that looked like it had been saved just for me because it had, so I took it. I slid into my seat, wiggled around and got comfy, J to my left and a harmless looking stranger to my right, and got ready for my eye-opening tour of the crime world.

And then IT happened.

I heard this horrible snot-snuffling, oinking pig sound, much like a snore, but the honk part and not the shoo, and it was RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I did what any courteous blognut would do, and stole a sideways glance at my neighbor to the right of me to see if she was serious. She looked on unperturbed, as if it wasn’t really her, but I knew. Oh, how I knew.

And then I decided it was a one-time thing and returned my attention to the speaker.

And then IT happened again.

I heard this horrible snot-snuffling, oinking pig sound, much like a snore, but the honk part and not the shoo, and it was RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I did what any compassionate blognut would do, and turned my head toward my neighbor to the right, leaving my gaze to linger there, hoping to make eye-contact and offer her some sort of Kleenex and cough-drop combination. She looked on unperturbed, as if she was used to this sort of thing and didn’t even realize she was doing it.

And then I decided it was a two-time thing and returned my attention to the speaker.

And then IT happened again.

I heard this horrible snot-snuffling, oinking pig sound, much like a snore, but the honk part and not the shoo, and it was RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I did what any impatient blognut would do, and whipped out my phone to text my friend J on my left and find out if she was hearing this shit. She was. She was totally hearing this shit, too. I decided to catch her in the act.

And then nothing.

And still nothing.

And then I decided it was a three-time thing and returned my attention to the speaker.

And then IT happened again.

I heard this horrible snot-snuffling, oinking pig sound, much like a snore, but the honk part and not the shoo, and it was RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I did what any nauseated blognut would do, and I got up and left the room. When I came back, I took a seat on the other side of J and left her to be one closest to that horrible snot-snuffling, oinking pig sound, much like a snore, but the honk part and not the shoo, because that shit was making me sick.

If you’re lucky, my next blog post will be about a different woman who sat near J and me at lunch today, and was obviously absent the day Miss Manners taught not talking with your mouth full.