What I Did on My Summer Vacation, Part Deux

Besides that whole alien abduction thing that I was telling you about the other day, there were a couple of other “little incidents” I survived this summer. We have so much to talk about in the next few weeks, don’t we?

Let’s start with what will forever be referred to as The River Tubing Incident, where my fuzzy, blue body was thrashed madly against the rocks by rapidly moving river water that was as cold as the Jack Daniel's snowcone I was longing for that hot afternoon. I could probably have avoided the tubing incident if Mr. Blognut had been quiet and not distracted me while I carefully negotiated the jagged rocks and snake-y looking river creatures who looked as though they meant to eat me, so we’ll just make this all his fault, ‘k?

So there I was, on our third or fourth trip down the river, being the good wife that I am and listening intently to whatever it was Mr. Blognut was talking about, (What WAS he talking about?), when suddenly my tube went skidding up the side of a rock at least as big as the Rock of Gibraltor, and tumbled me out into the nipple-chilling river water that I had already decided was way too dirty for a blognut to actually swim in because, hello?, I could totally see bacteria floating in it with my naked googly eyes.

In my moment of sheer terror, (not from falling down the face of the Rock of Gibraltor and virtually shattering my left nipple in the icy, cold waters below, but from the knowledge that I was drowning in river bacteria that would probably give me Ebola IF I lived), I tried to remember what the Tennessee river tubing dude had said to me earlier in the day by way of his safety lecture.

Mayam, this here is a dangerous river and I ain’t gonna tell ya’ that people don’t sometimes git hurt toobin’, but ya’ can hep yerself greatly if yer remimber to relax, point yerself downstream, and keep yer nose ‘n toes out of the water.

What. The. Fuck?

Relax? Keep my nose and toes out of the water? Did he have any idea the amount of danger this would bring my round, blue behind? Because it would appear to be the only thing left in the water banging against the rocks at that point, except for my shattered left nipple which I could clearly see floating downstream some five feet ahead of me.

In my mind, I was screaming, Shut up River Dude! You relax! I’m going to thrash about helplessly and try to swim against the current and we’ll just see who knows what’s going on here! Besides, I have a nipple to catch!

Yeah, that might not have worked out that well.

I eventually did manage to relax, but only because I passed out from a combination of exhaustion, traumatic injury, and shock. River Dude turned out to be right though, because the moment I finally relaxed, I floated to the surface and lived to tell the tale.

I'm still waiting for Ebola to set in.